Thursday: Learning last time from my terrible mistake of procrastination, I packed my brand-shiny-new duffel bag in the wee hours of Wednesday morning, but was still stuck doing laundry so I wouldn't roast to death in my usual wardrobe of skinny jeans. The heat being what it is, everyone was reluctant to do any heavy lifting, so it took a while for the car to get loaded and us to be on our way. Until we had to stop at Poppa's and drop off the directions. And pick up the dress. And we stopped for gas. And to pee. But by the time we finally got to Pentwater, Tom was grilling a 10 PM dinner for us, which consisted of soy burger, squash/zucchini (which I had been craving for centuries), fresh asparagus, and corn on the cob. Landon griped about not being able to go in the pool, which still wasn't filled up and harbored a temperature of a balmy 63 degrees, but finally MomDad caved and watched Landon make it to the first step of the ladder before realizing that the hot tub was a better venture. Ansley and I joined for a while, then retired after, so I could sleep like crap and get karate-chopped in the face by a sleeping child. Joy of joys.
Friday: We got up at 9:30, and soon after, both kids vacated the house and disappeared to Joanie's all day, leaving me, essentially, to my own devices (AKA: bottled water, Landon's blanket, and old "I Love Lucy" re-runs. I love Lucy), until Tom woke up at 11:30, at which point I relocated myself to the deck and the sunshine to stew in my own thoughts. MomDad didn't arise until nearly 1 PM, at which point I, starved beyond belief, devoured a slightly off-kilter piece of soy lasagna. MomDad booked a room at the hotel for Mom, then discovered that Poppa and the gang were no longer coming up that morning, due to Kelly's sciatica and Uncle Shaun's torn arm muscle. Then, some drama occurred with Aunt Renee, who couldn't find a room to book anywhere near Pentwater (even though no one bothered to look in Ludington), and I stalked MomDad with my box of hair color. Cue "Aunt Noell's Outdoor Hair Salon," and a word of advice: Never sit in the sun with hair color on your roots. Just give me a paperclip and a light socket and call me Carrot Top. Not kidding.
We left for Muskegon to shop for "Uncle Tom" wedding clothes and pool chemicals around 5:30. It was nice to hang out with adults for a while, as opposed to just the children, and it was great to get out of the house, and into civilization. Small towns cause me to grow weary quite quickly these days. We returned around 8 PM and hung out doing random stuff for a while. Mom and Shelby arrived around 10, while I enjoyed yet another soy burger (with fresh grilled mushrooms and onions) and more fresh asparagus. I gave Ansley a pitiful home manicure, and then we ventured to THE DAYS INN, not the Comfort Inn, in LUDINGTON, not Pentwater as we'd originally thought; it turned out to be a very seedy place, and I'm honestly surprised that we didn't all come back with full-body herpes. The bed was uncomfortable and I slept like shit again. Shocker.
Saturday: Wedding day. The kids were scarce in the morning once again - not that I'm complaining. We all showered and checked out of the seedy motel (authentic crackhead style) and ventured to "Uncle Tom's" for breakfast. The house was quiet, until Poppa and the gang showed up (which was when I started feeling nauseous). Ansley made the long (less than 5 minutes walking) journey from Joanie's around 2:30, let me help her dress and do her make-up, then took off again, just to snub me for the rest of the day, then act pissed when I decided to leave early. It took Shelby and I forever to get ready (if an hour is forever, but it felt like it), and sometime in between, Uncle Shaun bashed his head on the truck and cut it open, Landon returned from the Netherworld, and Aunt Renee, Uncle Mike, and Aunt Rhonda showed up. By the time we actually got ready, we got kicked out of the house and walked (like streetwalkers, quite literally) to Dick and Joanie's.
When we got there, everyone was already staring at us condescendingly and simultaneously poisoning their livers. "Uncle Tom's" family is the typical in-law family: bitchy, pushy, controlling, and holier-than-thou. It took forever for the wedding to actually start, and I'm not sure that it was worth the wait. The ceremony itself only lasted about fifteen minutes, and I was stuck taking pictures - again, not complaining, since I got to use the Pentax, but the telephoto lens was being a pain in my ass, almost like the whole occasion. But here's some pics that Shelby took with the Samsung:
By the way, that is Poppa being a foreground douche. Oops.
After the ceremony, Shelby and I posed for pictures a while (Aunt Renee is somehow obsessed with how much we've grown up), then left to change out of our extremely overdressed state...but not before watching the unattainable, crashing object of Shelby's affection poison her liver at the age of sixteen. Gotta start 'em early these days.
We reappeared momentarily after resuming our normal, non-mainstream, creep-tastic style of dress (and the packing of my bags) to find that the moms were back at the house resuming their normal style of dress, so we partook in some grand theft auto and stole MomDad's car to drive back to "Uncle Tom's cabin" (it's his fault, he left the keys in the car) to pack my bags in Mom's car and let the dogs out. We reluctantly trucked back to Dick and Joanie's to eat before Joanie killed us for not eating. We we actually praised for our vegetarian lifestyle by both Aunt Renee and Tom's sister-in-law, Jennifer, who is a member of the raw foods movement. So she's a hippie and a slut. Woo.
We finally left at 7 PM, even though Mom had planned on leaving at 6. And we didn't leave without a giant slab of cake. Before we hit the road, eyelashes saved our lives at Pentwater Convenience, and as we got on I-96, Shelby had an accident in which Shelby's Arizona green tea dumped all over her seat (car and body), so we had to stop at a rest stop so she could change into her bathing suit bottoms and a borrowed pair of my pants. Soon after, my cellular device began to get service again and I was bombed with Tweets and Facebook updates (most of which I didn't care about). Faded radio stations and about an hour and a half later, we were finally nearing home. Hell, I even cheered about being back in Livingston County (something I'll never do again). And AT LAST, at about a quarter after 10 PM, we were home. Shelby and I passed some time with The Big Gay Sketch Show, and then retired to MY OWN bed, where I slept like a baby.
Next time we go to Pentwater, we'll make sure that: 1) there are no occasions for which to dress in formal attire (no one else knows the meaning of FORMAL), 2) "Uncle Tom's" family WILL NOT be there.
No comments:
Post a Comment