Travel Blog: Pentwater 2

You are cordially invited to the late-spring wedding of MomDad and "Uncle Tom," Saturday, May 29, 2010 at 4 PM. Wait, 3 PM. Okay, yeah, 4, at "Uncle Tom's cabin"...er, Dick and Joanie's house, at the corner of Lowell and S. Ellory (Ellery?) in Pentwater. Ludington? Definitely Pentwater. Dinner (fruit, veggies, and crappily made cheesy potatoes for the vegetarian guests, but plenty of bloody meaty meat for those cruelty-mongers) to follow. Don't forget to bring your own drug-free beverages, or you'll be stuck sucking down a caffeine-laden diet coke morosely. Formal dress optional and highly frowned upon.

Thursday: Learning last time from my terrible mistake of procrastination, I packed my brand-shiny-new duffel bag in the wee hours of Wednesday morning, but was still stuck doing laundry so I wouldn't roast to death in my usual wardrobe of skinny jeans. The heat being what it is, everyone was reluctant to do any heavy lifting, so it took a while for the car to get loaded and us to be on our way. Until we had to stop at Poppa's and drop off the directions. And pick up the dress. And we stopped for gas. And to pee. But by the time we finally got to Pentwater, Tom was grilling a 10 PM dinner for us, which consisted of soy burger, squash/zucchini (which I had been craving for centuries), fresh asparagus, and corn on the cob. Landon griped about not being able to go in the pool, which still wasn't filled up and harbored a temperature of a balmy 63 degrees, but finally MomDad caved and watched Landon make it to the first step of the ladder before realizing that the hot tub was a better venture. Ansley and I joined for a while, then retired after, so I could sleep like crap and get karate-chopped in the face by a sleeping child. Joy of joys.

Friday: We got up at 9:30, and soon after, both kids vacated the house and disappeared to Joanie's all day, leaving me, essentially, to my own devices (AKA: bottled water, Landon's blanket, and old "I Love Lucy" re-runs. I love Lucy), until Tom woke up at 11:30, at which point I relocated myself to the deck and the sunshine to stew in my own thoughts. MomDad didn't arise until nearly 1 PM, at which point I, starved beyond belief, devoured a slightly off-kilter piece of soy lasagna. MomDad booked a room at the hotel for Mom, then discovered that Poppa and the gang were no longer coming up that morning, due to Kelly's sciatica and Uncle Shaun's torn arm muscle. Then, some drama occurred with Aunt Renee, who couldn't find a room to book anywhere near Pentwater (even though no one bothered to look in Ludington), and I stalked MomDad with my box of hair color. Cue "Aunt Noell's Outdoor Hair Salon," and a word of advice: Never sit in the sun with hair color on your roots. Just give me a paperclip and a light socket and call me Carrot Top. Not kidding.

We left for Muskegon to shop for "Uncle Tom" wedding clothes and pool chemicals around 5:30. It was nice to hang out with adults for a while, as opposed to just the children, and it was great to get out of the house, and into civilization. Small towns cause me to grow weary quite quickly these days. We returned around 8 PM and hung out doing random stuff for a while. Mom and Shelby arrived around 10, while I enjoyed yet another soy burger (with fresh grilled mushrooms and onions) and more fresh asparagus. I gave Ansley a pitiful home manicure, and then we ventured to THE DAYS INN, not the Comfort Inn, in LUDINGTON, not Pentwater as we'd originally thought; it turned out to be a very seedy place, and I'm honestly surprised that we didn't all come back with full-body herpes. The bed was uncomfortable and I slept like shit again. Shocker.

Saturday: Wedding day. The kids were scarce in the morning once again - not that I'm complaining. We all showered and checked out of the seedy motel (authentic crackhead style) and ventured to "Uncle Tom's" for breakfast. The house was quiet, until Poppa and the gang showed up (which was when I started feeling nauseous). Ansley made the long (less than 5 minutes walking) journey from Joanie's around 2:30, let me help her dress and do her make-up, then took off again, just to snub me for the rest of the day, then act pissed when I decided to leave early. It took Shelby and I forever to get ready (if an hour is forever, but it felt like it), and sometime in between, Uncle Shaun bashed his head on the truck and cut it open, Landon returned from the Netherworld, and Aunt Renee, Uncle Mike, and Aunt Rhonda showed up. By the time we actually got ready, we got kicked out of the house and walked (like streetwalkers, quite literally) to Dick and Joanie's.

When we got there, everyone was already staring at us condescendingly and simultaneously poisoning their livers. "Uncle Tom's" family is the typical in-law family: bitchy, pushy, controlling, and holier-than-thou. It took forever for the wedding to actually start, and I'm not sure that it was worth the wait. The ceremony itself only lasted about fifteen minutes, and I was stuck taking pictures - again, not complaining, since I got to use the Pentax, but the telephoto lens was being a pain in my ass, almost like the whole occasion. But here's some pics that Shelby took with the Samsung:

By the way, that is Poppa being a foreground douche. Oops.

After the ceremony, Shelby and I posed for pictures a while (Aunt Renee is somehow obsessed with how much we've grown up), then left to change out of our extremely overdressed state...but not before watching the unattainable, crashing object of Shelby's affection poison her liver at the age of sixteen. Gotta start 'em early these days.

We reappeared momentarily after resuming our normal, non-mainstream, creep-tastic style of dress (and the packing of my bags) to find that the moms were back at the house resuming their normal style of dress, so we partook in some grand theft auto and stole MomDad's car to drive back to "Uncle Tom's cabin" (it's his fault, he left the keys in the car) to pack my bags in Mom's car and let the dogs out. We reluctantly trucked back to Dick and Joanie's to eat before Joanie killed us for not eating. We we actually praised for our vegetarian lifestyle by both Aunt Renee and Tom's sister-in-law, Jennifer, who is a member of the raw foods movement. So she's a hippie and a slut. Woo.

We finally left at 7 PM, even though Mom had planned on leaving at 6. And we didn't leave without a giant slab of cake. Before we hit the road, eyelashes saved our lives at Pentwater Convenience, and as we got on I-96, Shelby had an accident in which Shelby's Arizona green tea dumped all over her seat (car and body), so we had to stop at a rest stop so she could change into her bathing suit bottoms and a borrowed pair of my pants. Soon after, my cellular device began to get service again and I was bombed with Tweets and Facebook updates (most of which I didn't care about). Faded radio stations and about an hour and a half later, we were finally nearing home. Hell, I even cheered about being back in Livingston County (something I'll never do again). And AT LAST, at about a quarter after 10 PM, we were home. Shelby and I passed some time with The Big Gay Sketch Show, and then retired to MY OWN bed, where I slept like a baby.

Next time we go to Pentwater, we'll make sure that: 1) there are no occasions for which to dress in formal attire (no one else knows the meaning of FORMAL), 2) "Uncle Tom's" family WILL NOT be there.

A Lesson in Human Compassion

Okay, so I'm not exactly the most caring person on the planet, but I'm learning. I recently joined peta2, and my eyes are opening to a whole new light.

Yeah, yeah, I'm a tree-hugging, animal-loving, Captain Planet nature freak. Sue me. My diet is almost completely organic vegetarian (full vegetarian, of course, just half-organic), and I talk to almost everyone I meet about the horrors of animal cruelty - corporate and domestic.

About fifteen minutes ago, I walked down to the lake at the end of my subdivision, and it brightened my heart to see kids playing with their puppies in the fields, little old ladies sunbathing with their cats, and on the way back to my house, I even saw a lady stop her van in the middle of the road to move a venturing turtle. I honestly hope that these are common sights that make everyone smile.

Unfortunately, most people don't know about the cruelty that animals experience; they're simply exploited for humanity and cultures that don't give a damn. Female cows experience menostasis (lack of menstruation) due to their living conditions on dairy farms. Before male cows are slaughtered, they are starved to cleanse the digestive system as not to contaminate their meat. Chickens, even on the supposedly cruelty-free free-range corporate farms, are scalded to death in order to have their feathers removed. Race dogs and horses are put to death or abandoned when they no longer perform as expected. Personally, I don't understand what gives humans the right to act as gods and destroy the lives of the creatures we share our planet with.

Please, visit peta2.com to find out what you can do to speak up for the other voices of Earth that have long been mute.

Don't forget to spay or neuter your pets, to drastically cut down on animal shelter population!

Travel Blog: Pentwater

Behold, my pitiful attempt at a travel blog. Here's why it's the first one:

1. I work Friday and Saturday, the prime travel days. I work weekends, and no one else in my family does, so if I do travel with them, I get screwed and have to take my only two days off work in order to go places.
2. My vehicle is not in the best condition for long distance travel. I'm lucky if I make it to Detroit and back.
3. I am poor. Travel requires at least some amount of money at some point.

Luckily, however, poor people have connections to other poor people who live at least some distance away. Aunt Noell's fiance Tom lives in a self-proclaimed village on Lake Michigan called Pentwater, which quickly became my home-away-from-home over Mother's Day weekend. I took plenty of pics and videos to share them with you, pretend readers!


Friday: The day began with some heavy procrastinating on my part (I blame Hunter Revenge on Yo Gabba Gabba), which ensured that we didn't leave the house until 6 PM on Friday, and we left in a torrential downpour, complete with thunder and lightning. Luckily, the kids occupied themselves by watching Old Dogs and some of The Simpsons Movie, leaving Aunt Noell and I to talk, and me free to film.


The trip up was almost uneventful, besides the three people hydroplaning off the road within a five mile stretch in Ingham County. And my tomato truck.



Around Ionia, things began to get interesting. The kids were done with their movies, and we were having a nice family chat when Aunt Noell let out a giant string of expletives, and exclaimed that she had lost track of the gas gauge, and that we had to stop. We were all thirsty anyway, and we needed to load up on snacks, so we stopped at a disgusting Pilot Truck Stop for fuel, sustenance, and urination. My favorite (that I didn't get a picture of because we were all being rushed) was the Intense Blend Coffee, which I had a cup of. It wasn't very intense.


Later, the "Are we there yet?" started. But we were almost there, so it didn't matter. Here's the end of our drive.

In town, on the way to Tom's, we passed a school that was about the size of my junior high school. I giggled and was like, "Is that the high school? It's so cute!" I quickly found out that the cute school was the only school. When we got to Tom's, I said something about it, and he told me that the Pentwater graduating class this year is only about forty people. I laughed.


After the grand tour of Tom's house, the first order of business was to test out the hot tub. Of course, mother nature had other plans for me, so I can say that my feet and calves thoroughly enjoyed taking a tub, while the rest of my body shivered and endured the misting rain. Bed was next, so I shacked up with my favorite T-Bag in Ansley's room, cuddled with Lambchop and Grover, and drifted to sleep to the sounds of Blaqk Audio.


Saturday: The weather was horridly cold, so most of my leisure was spent inside on Saturday. I was the first one up, but shortly after, everyone invaded the twin bed - even Hunter (a husky-shepherd mix) and Francis (a chow). After an epic Landon-Hunter forehead butt, Francis decided to ruin our party by jumping up on the bed, vomiting, and then running away. The rest of us evacuated to the living room in search of better pursuits, also known as breakfast, ala Chef Tom, and the rest of Avatar, ala Annoyance Landon.


The girls got sick of the movie and took another tub, while I bundled up and pursued photographic endeavors.


When they got bored, we all piled inside once more. I drew while they watched TV. Aunt Noell and Tom made the trip to Ludington (the closest actual town) to get Shelby and I our meatless meat. Later, Shelby and Ansley took a moped ride, while Landon hung out with his friend Wyatt (who we all hate - even Landon).

Most of the rest of the day was spent secretly working on Mother's Day projects in Tom's office, which features beautiful glass French doors and a greenhouse-like atrium.


Mom and Sadie arrived Saturday night, and Mom stayed in a hotel a ways down the street. By the end of the day, Ansley, Shelby, and I were exhausted, so we all went to bed early. In the same bed.


Sunday: On Mother's Day, the weather was absolutely better than the day previous. It was breezy, but the sun was shining. We presented our mothers with their presents: a chalk rendition of the woods outside the sliding glass door in the living room for Mom, and a hand-made shirt for Aunt Noell. Chef Tom made breakfast once again, and then everyone was left to their own devices for the morning. The girls rode mopeds again, Landon played Wii, the moms went to Ludington, and Tom...I don't actually know where Tom was, because I was napping on the lounge with Francis and Sadie.


When everyone returned from their individual expeditions, we gathered as a family and went into the village so I could take pictures. Our first stop was Pentwater Marina, which feeds directly into Lake Michigan.


Next, we visited a three-story antique shop, with which Aunt Noell and I fell love. The building was erected during the civil war, and still stood largely in its original condition.


Aunt Noell's next request was the homemade fudge/coffee shop, which has a gorgeous facade. Inside, the owner (an older lady) was busy with customers when the phone rang, so she asked some old guy to answer the phone. Turns out the old guy used to be the mayor. Quaint.


Finally, we visited the beach, which is what I had been waiting for. I've seen Lake Michigan from the Milwaukee side, but the beach honestly wasn't that great over there. In Pentwater, it's a whole different story.


At the end of the pier, there are a bunch of big, flat rocks known as The Mermaid Rocks.


Perfect for photo ops.


When we got back to the house, we enjoyed our Mother's Day ice cream cake before Mom and Sadie left for home. The rest of us hung out and played "ImagineIff...", a really sweet board game. Aunt Noell and the kidlets took one last tub before we packed up and headed out...almost. We stopped at Tom's parents' to wish his mom, Joanie, a Happy Mother's Day, but it turned into a half hour trip, so we didn't leave Pentwater until 7:40-ish.


On the way home, we occupied ourselves by playing the alphabet game. We stopped for food in a piss-ant town called Coopersville, where the following dialogue occurred:


Shelby: What town am I in?
McDonald's Guy: You're in Coopersville.
Shelby: Where?
McDonald's Guy/Ansley/Me: Coopersville.
Shelby: (disgustedly) Oh...


After Coopersville, the backseat got a little crazy with tickling, laughter, and milkshake toes. Shortly after, the kids all fell asleep, and Aunt Noell and I cruised home while blasting I Heard a Voice, much to Ansley's chagrin. We finally made it home around 11 PM.

Go Get 'Em, Ernie

It's funny how a sport can make you feel. Like you're part of a family. Like you're on top of the world. Like that same world is crashing down upon you. I'm not sure about other cities around the world, but I know for sure that in Detroit, we live, breathe, and die with our sports teams.

Death is another one of those funny things. It doesn't matter who has passed: it still leaves a hole.

Last night, Detroit Tigers broadcaster of fifty-five years, Ernie Harwell, lost his one year battle with bile-duct cancer. The Tigers just won't be the same.

Go Get 'Em, Ernie! You'll be missed.