The Great American T.V. Obsession

Wow, this is late, but you know what? No matter what they tell you, TIME IS NOT LIMITLESS. Especially for those who don't even have enough time to sleep. Between work, school, and myself and my dog-like son being ill, I haven't had time to share the wonders of the 62nd (?) Annual Prime-time Emmy Awards.

Let's get one thing straight: Your parents were right when they told you as a kid that television rots your brain. But even I, who absolutely detests the premise of American "entertainment" these days, get sucked in. The T.V. sucks out your soul. Really, it does. But even so, I am fond of making fun of award shows, so I bring you my Comprehensive Prime-time Emmy Review, two weeks late. And perhaps in fragments.

Since T.V. is SO theatrical, the beginning of the Emmys was indeed theatrical. Unfortunately, it played up one show that was supposed to steal the award in each category in which it was nominated. That show was "Glee," which I have never seen, but have heard good things about, via the word-of-mouth phenomenon from, who else but my idol, Davey Havok, a fellow purveyor of the evils of the entertainment world.

Said introduction included many of the actors/actresses who were either nominated or involved in the production in some way: Joel McHale (whom I adore), Tina Fey, Randy Jackson, Betty White, Lea Michele etc. Oh, and Jimmy Fallon, who I can't stand, and was hosting the show. Said actors had to form their own "Glee" club in order to win tickets to the Emmys. What a concept. Of course, they performed a song together, and danced around, and the like.

When the show actually began, Fallon immediately pokes fun at Conan O'Brien (whom I also adore), who was nominated for one of too few episodes of "The Tonight Show." Then the segment of the show dedicated to comedy was introduced with a stupid song and some terrible space-age cartoon theme music.

COMEDY

Betty White and Neil Patrick Harris presented the first award (I love them both). I don't remember what the award was for, but I know that "Modern Family" won, and then some announcer guy started spewing random facts over the loudspeaker about the winners, and it was at this point that I realized I don't care that winner guy from "Modern Family" (the premise of which seems really stupid to me, but not quite on par with the idiocy of "Jersey Shore." Nothing beats that) wanted to be a clown when he was a kid. WHO CARES.

Thus followed a commercial. Why is every movie that comes out these days in 3D? Let me tell you something about 3D. People who were cursed with terrible eyesight and wear designer nerd glasses (read: me) can't fit the goddamn 3D glasses over their own Dolce and Gabana custom nerd frames. And if they don't have their own Dolce and Gabana custom nerd frames on, they can't see a goddamn thing. Just sayin'.

When the show resumed, we apparently found out that promiscuity is hilarious, and Tom Hanks without his Tom Hanks fro is not. Gay jokes are equally not hilarious, and neither is God, btw, fyi, jsyk.

REALITY

The world of television knows nothing about reality. This category only has two awards (thank deities), but that's still two too many. The only important things I learned from this segment of the show:

1. Kim Kardashian can't sing. The size of her ass hinders that ability.
2. Though I strongly dislke Oprah Winfrey for not giving me either a car or a humpback whale, I'm sad that this will be her last season of annoyance.

DRAMA

This is the part of the review in which I get lazy and don't feel like writing complete sentences (no really, I'm looking at my sheet of Emmy notes right now and going, "What the fuck was I trying to say?" so I'm going to copy those notes word for word). Bring on the fragments!

"House pisses me off. I MISS GODRIC! "Mad Men" = ruined for me by Jonny Radtke (ex-guitarist of Kill Hannah, current frontman of Polar Moon). "Lost" = ruined for me by aliens. Jerks who make fun of Conan O'Brien = DISLIKE! The guy that played Gary in "Early Edition," I LOVED that show. Still do. What is it with "Mad Men"? And God? "True Blood" and Joel McHale!

Season 2 of "Community" premiers September 23! Watch it!

Ann-Margaret! I love her! Only Elton John can be Elton John. Get a job, Jimmy Fallon. Although, props for such quick wardrobe changes. My theater days - I long for them. Oh my God. He's making fun of Billy Joe Armstrong. Maybe I can make amends with Jimmy Fallon after all. I hate Kevin Bacon, but I love "Footloose." Opposite of LFO. You know that one song, with the...yeah. Okay. Where did Kyra Sedgewick have her glasses, stuffed down her dress?

VARIETY

The Olympics seem so long ago. Jews are so funny. So are Nazis. They should totes have a party. Did Green Day win a Tony for "American Idiot"? I don't even know. Ha, Mel Gibson. What is it with Jews? They're passing out poison at the Emmys. WHY. Once more, for the good times: GO TEAM CANADA! *ahem* CONAN! WIN! STICK IT TO THE CHIN! Fuck you, Jon Stewart. Conan totes deserved that after what happened to him. I'm so pissed. SO PISSED.

Television science? Television saviors? Television tragedy? (Note: That's a Blaqk Audio reference. See how I did that?) Dear George Clooney, WHAT. He frowns upon culture crash! Yay!

MOVIES AND MINISERIES

So pumped for "Kennedys." I wanna be one. Jack Kevorkian is my hero. I love Christina Applegate. Moira Teirney has no hair! Like for serious, Claire Daines? Alexander Skarsgaard is so tall. Who the hell is Temple Grandin? Al Pacino - he feels lucky, punk. Shut up, Al Pacino. They started playing the wrap music about five minutes ago. I'm such a pro at guessing winners. Hey Tom Selleck! My grandma has a crush on you! Oh "True Blood," you lost to "Mad Men"! How dare you?! I hate Jonny these days. Wow, "Glee" lost. I'm surprised.

IN MEMORIAM

"Gumby" creator?! Corey Haim?! Gary Coleman?! Rue McClanahan?! Brittany Murphy?! Dennis Hopper?!

LOL, Jewel makes Davey Havok faces while singing.

So, that's pretty much my review. Half informative, half fragment. Here's Shelby's take:

1. What are the Emmys, the ugly dress awards?
2. Eva Longoria Parker is really pretty.
3. That is a pink piano.
4. Billy Joe has blonde hair.
5. There's lots of old guys with big noses in Hollywood. How do you think plastic surgeons make money?

In a nut shell, T.V. rots your brain. So, in the words of Jade Puget, "Get off the Internet and go read a book." That is, of course, after you go read The Bible Blog. How's that for shameless self-promotion?