Happy Fall!

I'm a few days late. Sue me. Anyhoodles, happy fall, everyone! *breaks into intense "Fall Children" wailing* Ahem, sorry. But really, now begins my favorite time of year, so expect some major blog activity. Just not yet, because I didn't do my homework this weekend, and I should probably be doing it now instead of telling my fake readers that I didn't do my homework.

Heh, I'm going to do my homework now.

The Worst Disease of All: Hate

I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag every day.
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
I am the man who fears that I will never be able to be myself, to be free of this secret because I wont risk losing my family and friends.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the woman who died when the EMTs stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didnt have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most: love.
I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends I'm a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them.
I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die because two straight men wanted to teach me a lesson.

IF YOU BELIEVE THAT HOMOPHOBIA IS WRONG, REPOST THIS ON YOUR BLOG!

The Great American T.V. Obsession

Wow, this is late, but you know what? No matter what they tell you, TIME IS NOT LIMITLESS. Especially for those who don't even have enough time to sleep. Between work, school, and myself and my dog-like son being ill, I haven't had time to share the wonders of the 62nd (?) Annual Prime-time Emmy Awards.

Let's get one thing straight: Your parents were right when they told you as a kid that television rots your brain. But even I, who absolutely detests the premise of American "entertainment" these days, get sucked in. The T.V. sucks out your soul. Really, it does. But even so, I am fond of making fun of award shows, so I bring you my Comprehensive Prime-time Emmy Review, two weeks late. And perhaps in fragments.

Since T.V. is SO theatrical, the beginning of the Emmys was indeed theatrical. Unfortunately, it played up one show that was supposed to steal the award in each category in which it was nominated. That show was "Glee," which I have never seen, but have heard good things about, via the word-of-mouth phenomenon from, who else but my idol, Davey Havok, a fellow purveyor of the evils of the entertainment world.

Said introduction included many of the actors/actresses who were either nominated or involved in the production in some way: Joel McHale (whom I adore), Tina Fey, Randy Jackson, Betty White, Lea Michele etc. Oh, and Jimmy Fallon, who I can't stand, and was hosting the show. Said actors had to form their own "Glee" club in order to win tickets to the Emmys. What a concept. Of course, they performed a song together, and danced around, and the like.

When the show actually began, Fallon immediately pokes fun at Conan O'Brien (whom I also adore), who was nominated for one of too few episodes of "The Tonight Show." Then the segment of the show dedicated to comedy was introduced with a stupid song and some terrible space-age cartoon theme music.

COMEDY

Betty White and Neil Patrick Harris presented the first award (I love them both). I don't remember what the award was for, but I know that "Modern Family" won, and then some announcer guy started spewing random facts over the loudspeaker about the winners, and it was at this point that I realized I don't care that winner guy from "Modern Family" (the premise of which seems really stupid to me, but not quite on par with the idiocy of "Jersey Shore." Nothing beats that) wanted to be a clown when he was a kid. WHO CARES.

Thus followed a commercial. Why is every movie that comes out these days in 3D? Let me tell you something about 3D. People who were cursed with terrible eyesight and wear designer nerd glasses (read: me) can't fit the goddamn 3D glasses over their own Dolce and Gabana custom nerd frames. And if they don't have their own Dolce and Gabana custom nerd frames on, they can't see a goddamn thing. Just sayin'.

When the show resumed, we apparently found out that promiscuity is hilarious, and Tom Hanks without his Tom Hanks fro is not. Gay jokes are equally not hilarious, and neither is God, btw, fyi, jsyk.

REALITY

The world of television knows nothing about reality. This category only has two awards (thank deities), but that's still two too many. The only important things I learned from this segment of the show:

1. Kim Kardashian can't sing. The size of her ass hinders that ability.
2. Though I strongly dislke Oprah Winfrey for not giving me either a car or a humpback whale, I'm sad that this will be her last season of annoyance.

DRAMA

This is the part of the review in which I get lazy and don't feel like writing complete sentences (no really, I'm looking at my sheet of Emmy notes right now and going, "What the fuck was I trying to say?" so I'm going to copy those notes word for word). Bring on the fragments!

"House pisses me off. I MISS GODRIC! "Mad Men" = ruined for me by Jonny Radtke (ex-guitarist of Kill Hannah, current frontman of Polar Moon). "Lost" = ruined for me by aliens. Jerks who make fun of Conan O'Brien = DISLIKE! The guy that played Gary in "Early Edition," I LOVED that show. Still do. What is it with "Mad Men"? And God? "True Blood" and Joel McHale!

Season 2 of "Community" premiers September 23! Watch it!

Ann-Margaret! I love her! Only Elton John can be Elton John. Get a job, Jimmy Fallon. Although, props for such quick wardrobe changes. My theater days - I long for them. Oh my God. He's making fun of Billy Joe Armstrong. Maybe I can make amends with Jimmy Fallon after all. I hate Kevin Bacon, but I love "Footloose." Opposite of LFO. You know that one song, with the...yeah. Okay. Where did Kyra Sedgewick have her glasses, stuffed down her dress?

VARIETY

The Olympics seem so long ago. Jews are so funny. So are Nazis. They should totes have a party. Did Green Day win a Tony for "American Idiot"? I don't even know. Ha, Mel Gibson. What is it with Jews? They're passing out poison at the Emmys. WHY. Once more, for the good times: GO TEAM CANADA! *ahem* CONAN! WIN! STICK IT TO THE CHIN! Fuck you, Jon Stewart. Conan totes deserved that after what happened to him. I'm so pissed. SO PISSED.

Television science? Television saviors? Television tragedy? (Note: That's a Blaqk Audio reference. See how I did that?) Dear George Clooney, WHAT. He frowns upon culture crash! Yay!

MOVIES AND MINISERIES

So pumped for "Kennedys." I wanna be one. Jack Kevorkian is my hero. I love Christina Applegate. Moira Teirney has no hair! Like for serious, Claire Daines? Alexander Skarsgaard is so tall. Who the hell is Temple Grandin? Al Pacino - he feels lucky, punk. Shut up, Al Pacino. They started playing the wrap music about five minutes ago. I'm such a pro at guessing winners. Hey Tom Selleck! My grandma has a crush on you! Oh "True Blood," you lost to "Mad Men"! How dare you?! I hate Jonny these days. Wow, "Glee" lost. I'm surprised.

IN MEMORIAM

"Gumby" creator?! Corey Haim?! Gary Coleman?! Rue McClanahan?! Brittany Murphy?! Dennis Hopper?!

LOL, Jewel makes Davey Havok faces while singing.

So, that's pretty much my review. Half informative, half fragment. Here's Shelby's take:

1. What are the Emmys, the ugly dress awards?
2. Eva Longoria Parker is really pretty.
3. That is a pink piano.
4. Billy Joe has blonde hair.
5. There's lots of old guys with big noses in Hollywood. How do you think plastic surgeons make money?

In a nut shell, T.V. rots your brain. So, in the words of Jade Puget, "Get off the Internet and go read a book." That is, of course, after you go read The Bible Blog. How's that for shameless self-promotion?