And the Grammy goes to...

So, as everyone out in pop culture land should know, the 52nd Annual Grammy Awards were held last night at the Staples Center in LA, and for the first time in a long while, I actually watched them. I also wrote a review of them, just for all the wonderful people that read my blog. Hah, who am I kidding? No one reads this blog; I wrote the review because I was bored out of my mind. And I only watched them because I was hoping for another Kanye West freak out.

So, ladies and gentlemen, the Grammys:

The night kicked off with a performance by the forever fabulous Lady Gaga. Totally wasn't expecting Elton John, but hey, I like him too, so it was all good.

Too bad Beyonce won song of the year. Poor Kanye couldn't continue to pick on Taylor Swift. Well, guess what, Beyonce? Imma let your writers finish, but I think Lady Gaga had the best song of all year! Of all year!

What's with Green Day performing with the cast of their musical? Musical? Indeed. After American Idiot, they got supremely annoying, but this is just the icing on the stop-caring-about-politics-and-go-back-to-being-the-Bay-Area-punk-ass-kids-that-everyone-loved-in-the-early-nineties cake.

Taylor Swift win count: one. Kanye West interruption count: zero. Apparently he didn't think that George Strait had a better country record than Taylor. It's a very sad day in the music industry when an artist has to thank their label for letting them write all their own songs. This is why I despise country music.

If Beyonce were a boy, would she sing "If I Were a Girl"? Wait, now she's covering Alanis Morissette?! Dear... holy shit! I'm so distraught over this, I can't even write an angry letter! I don't even know who to address it to!

So, that Canadian guy who sings "Hallelujah" won a Lifetime Achievement Award. Where's Claude Lemieux's? (see also: Battle of the Blades)

I adore Pink. I still need her new record. I admire her guts. I could never spin from the rafters of the Staples Center, nearly nude, in a rubber band-like contraption without vomiting or having an anxiety attack. Or both.

Dear Miranda Lambert, I love you, but your dress is bad. Signed, me.

Why isn't the alternative scene aptly represented at the Grammys? The Ting Tings and Silversun Pickups both lost to some obscure country band for best new artist. And I guess AC/DC won their first Grammy ever last night, even though Back in Black is the best selling record of all time worldwide. Of all time!

It's Miley! In a skanky ass dress. Big shocker.

Oh my God, the Jonas Brothers!

Spinal Tap is back?! They lost best comedic record because this time, their amps weren't on eleven.

Single of the year: Use Somebody, by Kings of Leon, whom I despise. Seriously guy, get a new voice. A less annoying one. And, they're self-labeled drunks. They totally deserve a Grammy for shitty music and alcohol promotion.

What? Jamie Foxx and T-Pain got pretty theatrical for their introduction. Heh, rappers attempting opera. Hell, rappers attempting music is hilarious as it is. And Slash? Slash, honey, I know all your side projects have bombed (I blame Axl), but you don't have to sell out and help rappers.

Dear Justin Beiber, tell your testicles to drop, please. Signed, me.

Alice Cooper! How could you tell me that Green Day had the best rock record of the year?! I am disappoint. Okay, so I secretly liked Billy Joe Armstrong in Live Freaky! Die Freaky! Don't tell anyone.

For real, who the hell is the Zac Brown Band? I don't think I can call myself a music nerd anymore because of these people!

Dear Ryan Seacrest, the seventeen year old girl you're introducing is taller than you. Fail. Signed, me. Taylor win count: three. Kanye interruption count: zero. So Taylor Swift can play guitar, but can she play more than four notes? What's this - a collaboration with Stevie Nicks? I didn't expect that. God, every time I find something wrong with Taylor Swift, she redeems herself by singing "Rhiannon" with Stevie Nicks (or something equally as great). I might actually have to own up to liking Taylor Swift now. Damn.

Lionel Ritchie can do it "All Night Long". A Michael Jackson tribute in 3D? Okay then. Celine Dion (I hate you, Calgary. You know why.) and Usher actually sound good together. With Carrie Underwood and Jennifer Hudson, not so much. I am not crying, I swear. Oh my God, two of his kids accepted his Lifetime Achievement Award. Now I am definitely not crying. Damn you, Micheal Jackson. Why did you die?!

Dear Sheryl Crow, your earrings are massive and could probably be used to kill someone. Just wanted to make sure you're aware of this. Signed, me.

Dear Bon Jovi, I'm so sick of you that I fast-forwarded through all three of your performances. Try not to take it personally. Also, of course the fans want to hear "Livin' on a Prayer". It is quintessential Bon Jovi from before I was born; thank random deities that I didn't have to hear it on every radio station in existence in its heyday. Signed, me.

What is a rap/sung collaboration? Okay, I guess Jay Z, Kanye, and Rihanna are. And, alas, no Kanye in attendance, which is why he hasn't wreaked havoc on society yet.

Haiti Relief rambling from Wyclef Jean. Awesome.

Grammy museum? Sounds like a waste of money to me.

Adam Sandler, I love you. Dave Matthews, I don't love you, sorry.

Dude, Ricky Martin, shut up. Beyonce won best female for "Halo". I'm sure that wherever Kanye West is, he's ecstatic that Beyonce is finally getting the recognition she deserves!

Mama said knock LL Cool J out. Who the hell is Maxwell?

In memoriam: Michael Jackson, DJ AM, Les Paul. Great Les Paul tribute. Loved it. Best performance of the night, by far.

The unanswerable questions of the final performance: Why does Quentin Tarantino think he's so cool? Since when did Travis Barker start wearing shirts? Is rap really considered music? What is going on with the sound? Where the hell did Eminem get those ugly shoes? Didn't that Drake guy play on Degrassi: The Next Generation? How could he win a Grammy before his first record is even released? Can I hate rap but absolutely adore Eminem without sounding like a hypocrite?

Record of the year: Fearless, by Taylor Swift. Now I'm really upset that Kanye West wasn't there; Taylor beat out I am Sasha Fierce, by Beyonce. Final tally - Taylor: four. Kanye: zero.

All in all: Same shit, different Grammys. Fail.